Unanswered Questions

The sincere tale of Loung Ung's struggle allowed me to form an intimate connection with her and ultimately Cambodia, yet as I tried to put myself in Ung's shoes, I was left with several questions.

Dissuade- Persuade someone not to
take a particular action

    First, was it right for Ma to send her kids away? Even if she had their best interests at heart would they truly understand that? You might say I am cowardly and immature, but honestly if my mom told me to leave and go far away, I would fight back and never leave her no matter what. Instead, Ung obeys Ma and gets angry with her: "Instead of missing Ma, my blood boils with resentment toward her. Ma doesn't want me around anymore. Pa took care of us and kept us together. Ma cannot do this because she is weak" (123). I am certain that I wouldn't have separated from my mom if I were only eight, even if it was better to do so in order to live.

      Second, how did Loung know that something was wrong with her mother and Geak? You might have probably guessed by now; I am the kind of reader who doubts every detail and thinks about every action of the author. Long Ung states, "Rage erupts in my body. I don't understand the electricity in my body....I have to see ma. I have to go to her" (159). How in the world was she able to connect with Ma and Geak and know that something was wrong? 

      Third, how would things have been different if Ma had survived just two more months? Or if Pa had not been taken away? When Long Ung screams, "Two more months and she would have made it! Why couldn't she hold on for two more months"(214)? I tried to imagine Ma making it to Bat Deng with her kids and how that would have changed Ung's story. 

Dispensable- Able to be
replaced or done without

        But after I asked myself these questions, I realized that I would never be able to put myself in Ung's shoes. It is one thing to read about a violent, oppressive regime from a memoir, but to see it through the eyes of a child is definitely something else. Sure, some of the details of her memoir may be embellished, but it shouldn't be dismissed or judged. Therefore, I would like to thank Loung Ung for sharing her story, even though it must have been hard for her. Two million people were killed during the reign of the Khmer Rouge, but Loung Ung was one of the few people who had the ability and courage to share her story, which makes her account all the more valuable.

Feeling Guilty

 As I reached towards the end of Loung Ung's book, I became guilty of two things (Don't worry, I didn't commit any sins). 

        First, I was guilty of how lucky I was compared to Ung. My mom cooked lasagna for me today. Lasagna is my favorite food. However, I lost my appetite because I felt strangely queasy after reading about Loung Ung's fight against hunger. The way she writes gave me a sense of what it was like to be there: to suffer and go through the horrors she experienced. I politely asked my mom if I could eat it later (my mom was shocked and wondered if something went wrong today at school) and reread the sentence that made me feel so uneasy: "I have my greatest dream and my worst nightmare. I am sitting alone at a long table. The table is covered with all of my favorite food in the world...I wake up feeling depressed and guilty. Always the hunger pains are there, never ending, never leaving me" (80). It seemed as if I were inside Loung Ung's nightmare, except what happened in her dream was something very common for me. 

         Second, I was guilty of my misconception. Before break, Mr Tangen told us to write down parts of the memoir that we doubted the author actually remembered. My list was pretty long because honestly, when I first started the book, I 

Heinous- Extremely wicked

wondered how a 5-year-old child could remember all the minor details and dialogue. For example, Loung Ung narrates, "Though the Angkar says we are all equal in Democratic Kampuchea, we are not. We live and are treated like slaves," (66) and "The temple walls are decorated with carvings of people, cows, wagons, daily life, and battle scenes. Guarding the ancient steps are giant granite lions, tigers, eight-headed snakes, and elephants." (67) Seriously, who remembers all those details and feels all those intense emotions when he or she is only five? Then, as I got further into the story, it occurred to me that no one would ever forget those powerful events and emotions. For Loung Ung, moving out of Phnom Pehn was a major turning point in her life that changed her forever. 

Forage- To wander in search of food

          Even though I have more to digest from Loung Ung's writing, I'm satisfied that I've learned from my misconceptions. Now I can go back and finish that lasagna.

Living Under Genocide

      I have never had to hide my identity from the Nazis or Cambodian soldiers, but somehow I could connect with Loung Ung and Anne Frank's accounts. Maybe because they were homesick and far from their hometowns, just like I miss Seoul. Though their descriptions of war and tragedy seemed distant to me, I could understand how homesick and out of place they felt. After all, Colombia is a long way from Korea. I could relate with Ung as she pleads to her father, "Why can't we go home to our own house? The soldiers promised that we could go home after three days" (39). Also, both stories are told through the eyes of young, innocent girls who convey the raw truth rather than manipulating the plot. Through these similarities, I could connect and learn about World War II and the Cambodian Genocide more than I did through AP World History textbooks. For example, while I read Anne Frank's diary, I learned a lot about what really happened during World War II: innocent people dying at the hands of an obsession. I felt similar emotions while reading the first fifty pages of First they Killed My Father. The book clearly explains the context and history of Cambodia, which made it easier to follow along even though I hadn't had much background information about Cambodia.

disclose-reveal a secret

    To me, Loung Ung's account more powerfully conveys her deep emotional distress by narrating on every small detail of the genocide than Anne Frank's diary. Ung recounts this story from a five-year-old-girl's perspective, which is interesting because it is based on a combination of innocence, confusion, curiosity, and fear. For example, she consistently asks her father: "Why are they doing this, Pa?"(27) or "I don't understand. What does all this mean?" (27) I could understand how frightened she might have felt to not tell anyone about her family's secrets and live under the eye of Cambodian soldiers.

ammunition- supply or quantity
 of bullet or shells

        First they Killed My Father is different from the Diary of Anne Frank because it tells a more unique and unknown story. When people are asked to recall genocides during the 20th century, the Holocaust and Stalin's Purge are the main events that come to their minds. However, people (like me) rarely remember the Cambodia genocide or they might have never heard of it. Millions of Cambodians such as  Loung Ung equally suffered from all kinds of atrocities and violence, but it is not an event that many people tend to be aware of, which makes the book so fascinating and special.

Learning History From a Memoir Instead of a Textbook

 So far, First They Killed My Father is an intimate and personal account that gives the reader a sense of what it was like to be in Cambodia during the 1970s.When I picked up the memoir with a title as unequivocal as First They Killed My Father, I definitely knew it wasn't going to be funny or comical. Still, I wanted to find out more about the history of the Cambodian civil war that cost the lives of so many people. After I chose the book, I was worried the memoir would be a dry, historical, and objective account of the Cambodian Genocide during the 1970s. Instead, Loung Ung shares the personal and brutal story of what happened to her through the eyes of the innocent child that she was at the time, which makes it so different from other memoirs written by adults who understand the situation.

        The dominant tone of the author throughout the first fifty pages is nostalgic. The author is apparently homesick: she misses Phnom Penh, where she was free, happy, and safe. She is also apprehensive and baffled because she doesn't know where and why her family is leaving and whether she will ever come back to Phnom Penh. Her family is not giving her answers, so she just has to follow her parents and worry to herself.

Collecting My Final Reflections

        The Narrative of the Life of Frederick Douglass' ending does not seem particularly new because so much of it has been incorporated into what I had already known about Frederick Douglass and the abolition of slavery. I had known that Frederick Douglass was an abolitionist and I had viewed abolition as something that was obvious and incontestable. However, I realized that this narrative must have been a huge revelation when it was first published, because at that time slaveowners were blind towards slavery's evils and had a reasonable justification for slavery: religion. We easily tend to deceive ourselves into believing that what is accepted by the general population as normal behavior is also justifiably correct. We rarely question our customs, and even if they are contested, they become well justified and defended because everyone follows those customs. Slaveholders must have considered slavery as something totally acceptable because slavery was legitimate and reasonable back then.

      The ending also gave me a feeling that the story was incomplete with many gaps. However, I understood that Douglass deliberately left out that information to protect the escape of other slaves: "Were I to give a minute statement of all the facts, it is not only possible, but quite probable, that others would thereby be involved in the most embarrassing difficulties" (Page 99). After all, the title of the book is Narrative of the Life of Frederick Douglass, an American Slave, not Narrative of the Life of Frederick Douglass, an Escaped Slave. The narrative ends at the right time, when Douglass is no longer a slave (although, legally, he was) and enjoys his new freedom. In fact, that missing chunk of the other part of his life motivated me to research and learn more about Douglass' escape and his accomplishments as an abolitionist.

     Despite the missing details, I was very satisfied with Douglass' triumph of finding his voice and passion as a public speaker, anti abolitionist, and an author. Initially, Douglass honestly confesses, "I felt myself a slave, and the idea of speaking to white people weighed me down" (Page 112). But eventually, he frees his mind and burden as he states, "...but a few moments, when I felt a degree of freedom, and said what I desired with considerable ease" (Page 112). For Douglass, freedom was not only his escape from slavery, but also an opportunity to write and share his philosophy and experience. Achieving freedom through writing was his way of thinking and an attitude towards the rest of his life. His freedom connects with that of Darin Strauss from Half a Life because Strauss also starts his therapy and freedom through writing his book and sharing his story of the accident. 

fetter: a restraint on
 someone's freedom

dilapidated: in a state
of despair and ruin

insurrection: violent uprising
against an authority

The Three Contradictions

Throughout chapters 9 and 10, Douglass continues to 

languish-lose vitality;
fail to make progress

describe the dehumanization of slaves with gory and violent details. Douglass has proved that slaves were beaten in body and soul until they broke and obeyed their masters. Douglass admits that "Mr. Covey succeeded in breaking me. I crushed, my intellect languished, the disposition to read departed, the cheerful spark that lingered about my eye died" (Page 71). Reading this quote even made a reader like me view Douglass' escape and resistance as hopeless. 

rekindle- light or set on fire;
arouse or inspire an emotion

      However, Douglass' steadfast and firm beliefs despite his harsh circumstances dumbfounded me. The first contradiction appeared when slaveowners succeeded in breaking hopes of slaves, but still Douglass regained his spirit, defiance, and determination to be free after he saw a possibility of escape during the battle with Mr Covey. According to Douglass, the battle "rekindled the few expiring embers of freedom,    and revived within me 
a sense of my own manhood. It recalled the departed self-confidence, and inspired me with a determination to be free" (Page 78). 

     The second contradiction I noticed throughout these chapters was the slaveowner's justification of slavery through religion. I would identify that justification as a false Christianity, a hypocritical reasoning to make themselves feel better of their brutality. Douglass demonstrates the contradiction between the peaceful tenets of Christianity and the violent actions of slaveholders by stating, "Prior to his conversion, he relied upon his own depravity to shield and sustain him in his savage barbarity; but after his conversion, he found religious sanction and support for his slaveholding cruelty" (Page 63). 
     The last contradiction is that according to Douglass, the Douglass before the battle and after the battle are two different identities. He recounts this as a transformation from a slave who gave up literacy into a determined man, a slave who learned how to love,  and an enthusiastic teacher. The battle also gave Douglass an opportunity to hold a Sabbath school to educate slaves and spur a sense of rebellion in them: "I, therefore, commenced early to ascertain their views and feelings in regard to their condition, and to imbue their minds with thoughts of freedom" (Page 86). The opportunity to educate fellow slaves created a sense of kinship and affection, an emotion he has never felt before. For example, Douglass confesses,"I can say, I never loved any or confided in any people more than my fellow slaves... I believe we would have died for each other" (Page 86). I couldn't help feeling optimistic and curious of what would happen next as the novel took a positive turn from the rough incidences with Mr. Covey.

Imprudent- Not showing care for
the consequences of an action

Profligate- Recklessly wasteful
in the use of resources

destitute- extremely poor;
completely lacking

Mon Enfance

Maintenant, je ne suis pas l’enfant qui était insouciante tout le temps et sans problèmes. J'ai seize ans, j'habite à Bogotá et je vais à l'école Colegio Nueva Granada.

    En ce moment, je suis très occupée avec trop de choses à faire. J’ai beaucoup de travail et devoirs pour mes classes, et toutes sont difficiles. Je suis préoccupée pour mes examens finals, mes notes, le <<SAT>> et entrer à une bonne université. Pour moi, les académiques sont ma priorité.  En plus des académiques, je me considère une étudiante active dans l’école.  Je suis membre de << NHS, Leadership, MUN, Top Dogs>>, et l’équipe d’athlétisme.

  Voilà ma routine quotidienne: Je rentre chez moi de l’école, je fais mes devoirs ou j’étudie pour un ou deux examens. Lorsque je finis mes devoirs, je joue du violon pour trente minutes, parfois une heure. Généralement, j’ai du temps pour parler avec mes amis et ma famille en Corée. Parfois, je vois un film ou lis un livre.

    Cependant, ma vie n’est pas toujours stressante. J’aime être partie des organisations scolaires, et je suis très contente quand je joue du violon. Le vendredi et pendant mon temps libre, j'aime m’amuser avec mes amis. Normalement, nous voyons un film ou nous dînons. J'aime voyager également. Le voyage à la Ville Perdue en février était une expérience inoubliable. Pendant les vacances, je voyage des villes colombiennes différentes, ou aux autres pays. Cette année, j'ai visité Aruba, Miami, New York, et Curaçao. C'était extraordinaire.

Si j’imagine mon avenir, quand j’aurai 19 ans, je serai déjà entrée à une université coréenne ou américaine. Je voudrais étudier relations internationales ou cultures mondiales et pendant les vacances, je rêve de visiter l’Afrique parce que je n’y suis jamais allée. Je voudrais devenir benévole et aider les enfants dans le continent noir. Lorsque je recevrai mon diplôme, je voudrais avoir assez d’argent et de temps pour voyager autour du monde et l’explorer. Je pourrai chercher un emploi après, parce que je voudrais avoir de l’expérience et connaître le monde avant de commencer ma carrière professionelle.

     Si j’aurais 30 ans, je serai mariée et j’aurai une fille et un fils. J’habiterai dans un pays différent chaque 4 ans parce que j’aimerai encore connaître et expérimenter cultures différentes. Je travaillerai beaucoup parce que je chercherai une profession que j’aime et que me passionne.

    Finalement, j’’espère un futur heureux plus que réussie. Je suis contente quand je voyage et j’explore. Je veux que tout mon effort au présent m’aidera pour le futur. Je préfère être contente que riche et célèbre.